“I’ll Do It Myself”: The Hidden Wound Behind Leadership Martyrdom
Most leaders don’t say “I’ll do it myself” out of pride.
They say it out of protection.
On the surface, it looks like efficiency — a commitment to excellence, a refusal to cut corners. But look closer, and it often traces back to something deeper: disappointment, abandonment, being let down one too many times. At some point, trusting others became risky. Depending on people became painful. And so a quiet vow was made: “If I want it done right… I’ll do it myself.”
It sounds responsible. It even earns praise.
But over time, it turns into something dangerous — leadership martyrdom.
The Root: Delegation Isn’t a Skill Problem — It’s a Safety Problem
Psychologists studying emotional intelligence and attachment have long observed that extreme self-reliance often has less to do with competence — and is more a protective response to past experiences. Leaders who’ve experienced disappointment, abandonment, have been embarrassed, betrayed, or left to clean up someone else’s mess, frequently adopt hyper-independence as a survival strategy (Bowlby, Attachment Theory; Brown, Daring Greatly).
The subconscious builds a shield:
- “I can’t risk that happening again.”
- “It’s faster if I just handle it.”
- “No one cares about this the way I do.”
This isn’t about ego. It’s about survival.
Self-reliance becomes armor.
Leadership Martyrdom: When Responsibility Becomes Self-Sacrifice
Doing everything yourself may look noble — even heroic. But it comes at a high cost:
The Consequences of “Only I Can” Leadership
- Exhaustion: You become the bottleneck of every decision.
- Isolation: You begin to feel strangely alone, even when surrounded by a team.
- Stunted Teams: Others stop trying, because you never truly let them try.
Leaders who over-function eventually burn out — and unintentionally teach others to under-function.
A Personal Observation
In my work with leaders, I’ve noticed something consistent: I’ve never met a leader who said, “I’ll do it myself,” because they thought they were better than everyone else. It was always because, somewhere along the way, they were made to feel that they had to be.
Micromanagement Isn’t Control — It’s Fear in Disguise
Micromanagement is rarely about superiority, it’s about fear:
- Fear of losing control
- Fear of being disappointed
- Fear of being judged for someone else’s mistake
We call it high standards, but often, it’s unhealed trust.
Here’s the thing: If you try to make every move yourself, you will lose the game.
Leadership isn’t about carrying every piece — it’s about positioning them.
The power isn’t in doing everything. It’s in enabling the right moves.
The Quiet Shift: From Control to Empowerment
Delegation doesn’t mean letting go of excellence. It means multiplying it.
Here’s a practical framework to lead without martyrdom:
1. EMPOWER — Offer Ownership, Not Just Tasks
“I’d like you to own this — I trust your judgment. How do you plan to approach it?”
2. CLARIFY — Set Outcomes, Not Instructions
“Success here means X by Y. The ‘how’ is yours.”
3. RELEASE — Step Back, Stay Available
“I’m here if you need me, but I trust your process.”
When the Urge Hits (“I’ll do it…”), Remind Yourself:
- “It’s okay if they do it differently than I would.”
- “Growth requires space — even if it’s messy.”
- “If I jump in now… I’ll still be needed next time.”
From Martyr to Multiplier
Leadership doesn’t demand sacrifice. It demands stewardship.
You are not meant to be the pillar holding everything up; you are meant to be the architect who teaches others how to build.
A Final Reflection
If leadership has become heavy, if carrying it feels lonely, ask yourself — is it truly the weight of responsibility…or the weight of not letting anyone else carry it with you?
When you’re ready to lead without martyrdom —
Quiet Influence will show you how.
